“Stalking is my shadow. Forever there, for the rest of my life. It is hard to know peace with the shadow of stalking there every step I take. Hard, but not impossible.”
As an agency that advocates on behalf of survivors, The Friendship Center believes strongly in the power of listening to their stories, in their own words and voice. We protect the confidentiality of our clients as a rule and only share their information or identities at their request. This is by law and design: Not only are we obligated by state law to hold our clients’ information in strict confidence, but we also know that in many cases, their safety depends on it.
In some instances, we have the singular honor of amplifying a client’s story—always with their permission and never with the expectation that they share identifying details. In recognition of January as Stalking Awareness Month, we have the immense privilege of sharing one such story: a guest contribution from Alison Fuller about her experience with stalking, an experience she compares aptly to living with a shadow. While Alison’s story is unique, we believe there is deep resonance in the specifics she shares that others who’ve been affected by stalking can identify with. The context and history of a specific relationship is often the only way to fully understand the terror that stalking can cause. The terror, however, is universal. A victim's fear is one of the defining qualities of this violent crime.
Alison has asked that her name be attached to this stunning first-person piece about her journey with stalking as her shadow. As she says, it’s hard but not impossible to know peace in the shadows. We’re honored as ever to be a place where stories like Alison’s can be told.
Stalking, by nature, is inherently intrusive. It follows me wherever I go. Stalking is with me when I go to the grocery store and drift off to sleep at night. I carry it with me even in moments of joy. Stalking is my shadow. Forever there, for the rest of my life. It is hard to know peace with the shadow of stalking there every step I take. Hard, but not impossible. There are no words that can touch the terror I have felt and continue to feel.
It’s not romantic. It is not love. It is a dangerous, obsessive fixation that this person has with me. One of hate and rage, and devoid of love. This person who I spent half my life with. Twenty-one years.
An intimate relationship that has resulted in violence, intimidation, and brought me to the brink of losing my life and the lives of my two beautiful children. Stalking is his demand for access to me. In his mind his right, regardless of circumstance or consequence. Me, his property. I am nothing more to him than that. Never was, never will be. And I accept that now. I have come to accept so many things as out of my control. And to fight tenaciously for those things within my control.
The first time he was arrested for felony stalking he was intoxicated with a concealed firearm, waiting for a glimpse of me and our children, to murder us. He was my husband at the time. In the end, the stalking charges were dropped, and he got a misdemeanor gun charge and just a few months of probation. It was completely erased from his criminal record.
Having an order of protection in place should have been enough to send the message that I was no longer accessible to him. No longer his property. To communicate only through our shared parenting app post-divorce, with very strict guidelines that it solely be regarding co-parenting. Immediately, he chose to not follow or even acknowledge the order of protection. Sending message after message to me. Weekly, daily, sometimes hourly. Messages about himself and his life and it read like things you would send your wife throughout the day. But I was no longer his wife. Not his friend. After all, he tried to murder me, and I had this order of protection in place that should have served as some form of accountability for his actions.
Today I went on a hike.
Here’s how to take care of your car tires.
Sorry to bug you…again.
So I know I’m only supposed to use this app for parenting. Shoot me. I went to trivia last night and really needed you there!
I found your profile on a dating app.
I had finally come to a place where I was shutting down. I reached out to The Friendship Center to talk. As I had done countless other times. To talk through my intrusive thoughts of seeing visions of my children shot to death. To express my anger and resentment and fear in a safe space. To hear from someone I trusted that what I was experiencing was real and abusive and unsafe. To say out loud, in my own voice, that the shadow was following me still. And it was enveloping me.
The path I took to finally see a conviction was years long. A few months ago, I heard him say in open court that he was guilty of stalking. Guilty of violating the order of protection.
My best advice to anyone experiencing domestic violence and stalking is to get connected. Take that first step and reach out to organizations like The Friendship Center that have people and resources to help guide you to safety. For me, I chose to show up to every court hearing. I wrote many unsolicited letters to judges. One was pleading for his GPS to remain on (ironic, given the hidden GPS device he put on my car when we were married). I continue to practice grace with myself and lean on my support system of friends, family members, and professional counseling to process my trauma.
I have been losing my car keys lately. This is a triumphant feat on my part. Something in my life to be celebrated. It reminds me how far I have come on this journey with my shadow. For years, I always knew exactly where my keys were. Hidden from him. So, I could flee to safety at a moment’s notice.
Through reading these words and taking them into your heart you are making our community a safer place. By supporting The Friendship Center, you are spreading resources and education to our community and directly helping the lives of survivors. You are holding space for me and other survivors of domestic violence and stalking by sending the message that we are not alone. When we are alone, that is when the shadows take over. Thank you, Friendship Center, for being that beacon of light.
A quote from Ann Voskamp has brought me a significant amount of peace: "Shame dies when stories are told in safe places."
If you or someone you know is experiencing stalking, The Friendship Center can help. Check out our services page to learn about our free, confidential, 24/7 services and visit our stalking resource page to explore resources for victims and advocates.
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